THE MEANEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD

"The Meanest Mother"

     I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate
candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others
had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can
guess, my supper was different than the other kids' also.
     But at least, I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My sister and two
brothers had the same mean mother as I did.
     My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd
think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and
where we were going. She insisted if we said we'd be gone an hour, that
we be gone one hour or less--not one hour and one minute. I am nearly
ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each
time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was
used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy's pants. Can you
imagine someone actualy hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now
you can begin to see how mean she really was.
   We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always
wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because
she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we
have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?
    The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night
and up at eight the next morning. We couldn't sleep till noon like our
friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break
the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make
beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid
awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.
     She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.
     By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life
became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for
us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates
and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a
girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really
there. I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I'd had a
boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were
dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused
to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you
dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

     Through the years, things didn't improve a bit. We could not lie
in bed, "sick" like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends
had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home
from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends'
report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for
failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for
nothing less than ugly black marks.
      As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put
to shame. We were graduated from high school.   With our mother behind
us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the
pleasure of being a drop-out.
     My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four
children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us
have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate.   Each of my
brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we
have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You're right, our
mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a
protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a
million and one other things that our friends did.
She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults.
      Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three
children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my
children call me mean.
      Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in
the whole world.

written by Bobbie Pingaro (1967)

You Know You're a Mom When:

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room
together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you,
and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate
the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking
bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicle’s become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her,
after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

11. Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, ect. and you
think it's funny.

12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts
to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping,
washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving,
flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing
diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting,
clipping coupons, folding
clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing,
buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike
riding, pushing trucks, cuddling
dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles,
sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS
raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and
walking the dog.
You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to
the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water
all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair
forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.

Things My Mother taught me

My mother taught me LOGIC

LIKE- "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me."

My mother taught me MEDICINE

LIKE- "If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way"

My mother taught me ESP

LIKE- "Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?"

My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE

Like- "Where’s your brother and don’t talk with food in tour mouth. Now answer me."

My mother taught me HUMOR

Like- "When that lawnmower cur toes, don’t come running to me."

My mother taught me CONSEQENCES

Like- "You’re grounded and this is what is best for you. You’ll thank me one day."

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